Wednesday, June 22, 2022

Holding Space - Pt. 1


Most stories I write are an attempt to explore a particular feeling of mine. This one is no exception. Here's what's different: I'm being explicit about it at the outset. This is a story about the ways people care for each other. The ways we offer and receive affection. It's a story about three people having some white-hot sizeplay sex - like 80% it's about that.

This is also a story about how I'm not straight. I think men are sexy, and if it ever felt safe to explore that, it's something I'd enjoy. Sometimes writing is about building yourself a world where you'd like to live.

So just in time for Pride. Hi. I'm pseudoclever. I'm attracted to people of all different shapes and genders, and I'm proud to say, that includes men. This is a story about that.

Many thanks to Elle Largesse, @mightytinygiant, for their tireless work beta-reading this piece for me. Their feedback and support made this story what it is, from simple encouragement at how fucking hot they found the sexy stuff, down to basic plot beats that helped me figure out what the story I was actually trying to tell.

TL;DR: this is a story where one of the love interests is two guys.

Full Story Tags: NSFW, female growth, male shrinking, male growth, female shrinking, F/m, M/f, M/m, M/f/m, doms of various sizes, claustrophobia, panic attacks, internalized homophobia, polyamory, people talking about their feelings.

Chapter Tags: flirting, discussions of voyeurism and polyamory, male shrinking, internalized homophobia


It was late, and the crowd was starting to thin out at The Wooden Nickel. Usually most of the locals head home after the ball game. That was why the three of us got together that night, as we did at least once or twice a week.  We were all huge fans of the local team, and never missed a game.  It was how I’d met the two of them actually – Casey, and his girlfriend Jordan.  

I remember Jordan was sipping some fruity girl-drink that night. Her third of the evening, and each one probably had a higher alcohol content than the beers that Casey and I were nursing put together.  Neither of us doubted her ability to drink us under the table. 

“So what’s next, guys?” she asked, grinning at us owlishly. “Want to play some pool? Maybe check out the new all-night karaoke place down the street? Or, I know! We could grab a bottle of fancy scotch.”

Casey frowned, and sheepishly rubbed the back of his neck. The little muscle in his jawline, the one that always stood out when he was nervous, tightened a little. “I’m terrible at pool.”

“And none of us can sing,” I added. “We’d get boo’d out of the place before the first chorus.”

“And neither of you can handle good scotch.” She drained the last of her neon blue murder-drink, and tapped the rim thoughtfully. “Well the only other idea I have? Is bad movies.  And a big old cuddle pile at my place. But I bet the two of you aren’t into that either.”

I glanced at Casey, trying to assess him without being obvious about it.  He was staring off into space, so I decided to shrug. “I mean.  I don’t want to be a third wheel.  I’m fine to just hang out.  It wouldn’t be the first time I’ve watched you two make out over a riff track.”

Casey winced. He turned to me, the bar lights playing off his blonde hair. “I’m um. Really sorry about that, Scott. We’d been drinking and well. Jordan is really hard to put off when she’s in that mood of hers….”

“Yeah she is,” Jordan growled.

“You do have more than a foot of height on her,” I pointed out.

“A coyote will always win in a fight with a Great Dane.” Jordan began to walk her fingers up her boyfriend’s arm. “Because although the coyote is small, they are wild. Vicious. And the Great Dane?” She gave Casey’s neck a sudden pinch. “Is domesticated.”

Casey grimaced, and half pulled away from her. “But what I’m saying is, we didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable. It just sort of… happened.”

I shrugged, again. “I like seeing my friends happy. Besides, I grew up watching late-night Cinemax. What you two were up to was tame by comparison.”

“Less static-y too,” Jordan added. “And less chance of getting caught by your mom. Anyways.” The word escaped in a long, exasperated sigh. “I didn’t ask if you wanted to come watch us make out. I asked about a cuddle pile. As in. Including you..” 

Casey started to object. She put her hand on his shoulder, and he shut his mouth at once. The two exchanged a quick look.  I had the feeling that a large amount of data had passed between them, on an encrypted channel.

“Or, I don’t know.” The diminutive woman flipped her hair casually. “The two of you could just get naked together. See where it goes.”

Casey and I both stood in unison. He looked at me, and I looked at him. He was at least three inches taller than me, and far more broad in the shoulders. He looked scared. I’m sure I did, too.

“Where are you going?” I asked him. 

“The bathroom.”

“Oh.” I swallowed. “I was going to the bathroom, too.”

"Oh. You go first.”

I shook my head. “No. That’s okay.”

Jordan sighed.  “Why don’t you just go together?” 

Casey walked off at a trot. I watched his retreat. 

“Sit down.” Jordan sounded tired, but patient.

I sat.

“Scott… how long have the two of you been making eyes at each other? Six months, at least?”

Denial started to rise in my throat, and Jordan narrowed her eyebrows almost imperceptibly. “Yeah… I guess it’s been about that long.”

“Okay.  Set aside other people I could mention, who also seem to have great chemistry and should probably talk about it at some point.”  She dipped her head, looking faintly sad, but when she went on her tone was caring.  “He likes you too, dummy.” 

She reached for me. Moving slowly, like a person trying to pet a caged animal. I didn’t pull away, and her hand closed over mine. 

Her hand was tiny, and very cold.

“I know you’re curious, Scott. You didn’t have to watch us. On the couch, that night. But you did.” Her voice was barely above a whisper. “You could’ve asked to join us.”

I shook my head. “It’s not my place. Anyway, what would Casey have said?”

“I think you know the answer to that already. You just don’t want to hear it. But, let’s try it this way.” Jordan gently rested her palm on the center of her chest. “Do you think I’m attractive?”

“Well, yeah.” I looked over my shoulder.  God, what was taking Casey so long?

“Are you afraid of me?” 

When I didn’t answer for several seconds, she narrowed her eyes.

“I just… it’s complicated.  I guess not.  Okay?  You’re tough, don’t get me wrong.  And scary when you don’t get what you want. But I guess I wouldn’t say I’m afraid of you or anything.  Just, cautious.”

“Good.” She leaned in conspiratorially. “So why just cautious, and not afraid?  Is it because I’m short?”

I laughed. Tried to sip from an empty can. Thought about joining Casey in the bathroom. 

“Scott. I am four feet eleven inches tall. Casey is six foot three. My boyfriend, well… he’s huge, but he’s such a marshmallow.  Yet.  You’re afraid of him.  Why?”

“I’ve never been with a man before.”  The words tumbled over each other as I spoke.  “He’s cute, and I like when we flirt, but just, men are….”  I looked at her helplessly, suddenly at a loss for words.

“I get why this is scary.” There was sympathy in her eyes. “Believe me, I know.  But I can’t stand idly by, seeing how much you both want this.  And I think I have a solution.” She sat up very suddenly. “Did it work okay, honey?”

Casey was blushing. I’ve always known him to blush easily, but this was something else entirely. He stood between Jordan and I, staring at his feet, his lower lip quivering. His formerly tight denim shirt was many, many sizes too large. His pants hung loose around his hips.  “It worked. Did you, um. Explain things to Scott?”

“Not yet, sweetie. I said to give us ten minutes at least. You’re a little over-eager, huh?”  

I pushed myself back at the table, looking at the two of them in horror. “You’re smaller! He’s smaller!  You… shrank!”

Casey, formerly taller than me by several inches, was now somewhat shorter than an average-sized man.  Around five seven if I had to guess, and quite a bit shorter than my six feet.

He blushed harder as I stared.

But Jordan only smiled. “It’s hard to make the first move when he’s intimidating,” she purred. “Well. Now he’s not intimidating. Is he?”

Casey and I stared at each other. I could hear my heart over the jukebox.  

“Please say something,” he said at last. He held up his arms, his sleeves sliding halfway to his elbows. “I feel ridiculous.”

“You knew this was going to happen?”

He nodded, shifting his weight awkwardly from one foot to the other.

“And.” I swallowed. “What.  It was supposed to make you less scary? So I’d be… comfortable..?” I gestured vaguely, suddenly running out of words.

Casey looked at his feet, not saying anything.  He looked sad, and sweet, and terribly afraid.

“He’s nervous,” Jordan put in gently. “Because he likes you.  He just put himself out there, in a way that I have to say, was very brave of him.  He’s feeling extremely vulnerable about it.  So Scott, check in with your feelings.  What does seeing him this way make you want to do?”

Very slowly, I reached out, and took the smaller man’s hand in mine. His palm felt rough, and clammy, but good in my grasp. 

He squeezed.

“Casey and I talked about this,” Jordan said.  “The other night.  He wanted to know what he could do to make you more attracted to him.  And I told him he didn’t need to do anything, because you already thought he was beautiful.  Was I wrong?”

Casey and I made eye contact.  It felt hot, and dangerous, and incredibly powerful.

“No,” I managed, before looking away again.

“Then why didn’t you say anything?” Casey said, very softly.

“You could have said something, too.”  I shrugged.  “Anyway I’ve… never had a crush on another guy before.  This is all really new for me.”

“And that,” Jordan breathed.  “Is why I thought it would be a good idea if he were smaller.  It’s easier to say these things when you can look down at him.  Isn’t it?”

I nodded.

She moved closer.  Still giving the two of us space to be intimate, but near enough that I could see the tiny hairs standing up on the back of her arm.  “He could be even smaller.  Would you like that?”

My gaze shot toward Casey.  He couldn’t make himself meet my eye.  But the corners of his mouth were turning upward.

“Oh yes.  He asked me how far I could make this go.  How much of his height I could take away, for you.  I told him that he could be as short as me.  Or smaller.  A lot smaller.  It, well.  Let’s just say the idea appealed to him.  When I described what it would feel like?  Shrinking down inch by inch, while he stared up into your eyes?  We had a rather nice evening.”

“Scott.”  Casey’s voice cracked as he spoke.  “I want this.  I want you.  But, if this is too much, if it’s too weird….”

I touched his stubbled cheek.  Cupped him.  Turned him ever so slightly, until he was looking up into my eyes.  The top of his head didn’t even reach my nose.  The colors in the room felt too bright, the music muffled and distant.  The bar wasn’t as crowded as it was twenty minutes ago, but I was painfully aware that at least a dozen people could see us.  Even so, I wanted this too badly to resist.  “Is it okay if I kiss you?” I asked.

He nodded.  And I did.

I’d thought about this moment, for a long time.  Wondered what it would be like if it ever came.  The angle was a little different, than in my fantasies.  His mouth was soft, and had a faint citrus taste from the IPA he’d been drinking.  He breathed into my mouth, and my head started to spin.

My hand slipped up his shoulder.  Then pressed to the back of his neck.  He moaned, his brow tensing.  But he held so delightfully, perfectly still.  Letting me explore him.  

“This is okay?” I asked him.  I was shaking, and I couldn’t make it stop, but it wasn’t bad.  

“This is wonderful.”  He pressed his hand to my chest.  Closed his eyes, and just breathed.

Jordan gave us a knowing smile.  She stepped away, and settled up our tab.  

I didn’t know what to do with my body, so I wound up pulling him halfway into my lap, in an awkward way.  He didn’t seem to mind.  When his hip pressed against my groin, I had to bite my lip to hold back a moan.

“Do you really want to get smaller?” I asked him.  My lips brushing against his earlobe.  

“We should talk about that,” he whispered, nuzzling his head against my chin.  “It’s scary.  But.  Really hot.  As long as you promise to be gentle I….”  He laughed lightly, and pressed his hand against my thigh.  “I just want to keep going.”

“I’ll be gentle,” I promised.  It felt good to be protective of him.  It made me feel strong, and big, and very, very turned on.  “No matter how small you get.”

Jordan walked by, motioning toward the door with her head.  There was a cab waiting.

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